5 posts tagged “life”

My 500 Go Westen Digital hard drive just let me down! There is nothing more I can do. 7000 song, 100 & some movies, complete seasons of Nip/tuck, House MD, CSI & Prison Break, thousand of pictures, papers, resumés and a business Plan I'm struggling to finish... all gone!!!

3 month ago someone hacked into my ebay & hotmail account. I had to freeze my bank account, go days without credit card & I felt the same exact way! my whole life is/depends on this computer & it's not good!

It's time I go back to watching cable tv, buying cds & using a phone that just make phone calls.

btw I'm willing to pay anybody who will bring back all my files. I don't feel like downloading all these songs all over again. & even if I do, it won't be the same :(

When You think of Aaliyah, laugh, don't cry :)

It's 3 AM. I can't sleep. & I'm here watching videos on youtube for an hour at least. I fell on some cute Aaliyah video & it made me feel a little sad. Seeing young people dying is terrible to me. I'm sensitive to that & her death is something I can't understand as a believer & I often wonder why God does what He does. I mean, I've seen few people around me dying when they were young & healthy &... it doesn't make sense to me. Why does it have to be so sudden, unexpected & so painful?

        I have learned with Aaliyah's death, particularly that life holds on a string & that I should enjoy every second of it. I shouldn't give importance to the future. Maybe that's all God want us to learn from terrible losses; valuing life. As a teen, this girl was the person I was looking up to, so I cannot get rid of her out of my memory. I've learned few things I'm thankful for. I, of course, wish she was still here, but I guess, otherwise, things wouldn't have been the same. This is what makes me accept her death. Like I already said, for each negative moment, there's a reward coming, something positive. This incident made me be conscious of a lot of things & I'm so grateful for it in a sense.

        Anyway, this is my little post that I hope, will make you think about life and death for a little moment. & don't hesitate asking questions to God, He always answers :)

Be blessed. 

 This peice of writing was at the origine an assignment for my english class. It turned out to be the most touching thing I've ever wrote about myself. I feel like sharing this, whether it's a bad writing or not. Some of the readers might find themselves in this story. 

She was a young girl. A six years old girl very smart and ambitious. She had a clear idea of what she would be doing after school. But this young girl grew up. She grew up into an insecure teenage girl, with a very low self-esteem & with no more hopes. The memory of the girl full of hopes was gone for a long time. Now she was just a dreamer. She was dreaming of being someone she was not. She wanted to be someone else, with everything she couldn't have. She was hanging on her fantasies desperately, even thought she knew it was not sane. She was contemplating her friends who were so happy and blooming. She was envious, but was hiding it. She was sad, but was not showing it. The worst thing was that everybody loved her for what she was pretending to be. She was not lying about her life. She was just hiding few things. She was acting so caring and understanding. Maybe because this is how she wanted people to be with her.

      In her dreams everybody was like that. Everybody but her mother. Yes, even in her dreams her mother was not a loving person. She was the “bad guy” of her fictive world. She was the one giving a meaning to her absurd story where everybody was her friend & where everything was granted. She loved her friends so much! As much as she hated her mother. Did I say she hated her? Yes, she did. And she hated her so much! She hated her because she was getting no love from her. She was a good girl, she was nice with everybody...she was trying at least. Everybody loved her, but she didn't care. All she wanted was that her mother give her love. She was ready to give up all the love from her friends, all the comfort she had in her imaginary world just for a sign of love from her mother. How sad it is! How lonely she was...

      One day she met this boy. A very cute boy, with such a candid face and beautiful big brown eyes. She met so many boys like that, but this one was different. He was not her friend. He was just a boy, who was picking on her & who was making her feel angry & frustrated. He was virtual, thought. How come she spent more time with him than with her so loving friends? Aaah! Did I just say he was virtual? Absolutely. He was virtual. She was talking to him every afternoon after class. Sometimes she was going to talk to him at lunch time too. They were not really talking. They were picking on each other. At the beginning it was not pleasant at all, but in the end it became a game. They started to get to know each other & to appreciate talking to each other. Then her created identity and her fake perfect world started to lose their meaning. She was now talking to someone like her, with apparently the same personality & the same needs. Moreover, for the very first time, she was talking to someone without playing a role & without being attached and envious. For the very first time she could be herself. She even imparted to that virtual friend all her deepest secrets, her most personal wish. And this never happened with her friends. It never happened before and it never happened after. This boy also was so real and honest. He was not making fun of her dreams. He was respecting her for who she was. Even before they met, they knew each other better than anybody else.

       She used to think her mother didn't know her. She was just seeing her with her changing mood, but she didn't know her. She didn't need to, all she wanted was to raise her three children. Showing love was not her thing. So her girl was getting this love she was supposed to get from her friends and now from her virtual friend.When they met, their friendship changed into love. It was something they both never experienced. It was better than the love she was picturing in her imaginary world. It was even better than how she was expecting her mother love her. It was beautiful! The most beautiful thing she ever lived! But nobody could understand what she was feeling. It was almost not normal for a girl of her age to feel that kind of love. She was wondering if she was not growing up too fast. Her friends were used to hang out with boys and party with them “just for fun”. But it was not the case for her. She was in love and she didn't want to expose her precious friend. She was feeling this new discovery was very fragile and it could fade away at any moment. Her mother shouldn't know about that. Not because she was into a relation at a young age, but because she was afraid to make her mother jealous. Maybe would she find out her daughter wasn't showing love to her either. Maybe they were actually both feeling the same way.

      Her relationship was so reviving. The memories of the six years old girl with her dreams and those of the lost teenager she was were gone for so long. Now, she was growing into a woman, who loved herself and who loved the man, the only man who really knew her. Her ambition came back, her love for life was unconditional &...this love for her mother, she was starting to feel it. It was strange. It was not what she was expecting. It was just...something normal. She wasn't expecting it no more.

      Now that she found at least a kind of equilibrium in her personal life, she started to realize that her so long relationship was not what she was looking for. She hasn't been hurt, she never been betrayed, but she just was feeling she was not moving forward. It was as if she already lived all she was supposed to live with this man today. It could have been sad, but it wasn't. She, for the first time, took the most determinant and most important decision of her life. There was no regrets, no pain, no confusion. She is happy. She exactly knows what she wants. She is responsible and she is conscious that her destiny is hers.

The dreams of the little six years old child are back in her life. She wakes up everyday saying: “The World Is Mine, I Can Design It Like I Want.”

      This is the story of her life, this is the story of Life. People love you, then leave you or you leave them. People who really love you let you search it and find it to better enjoy it. Time is here to remind us, we are here to learn. This is how we learn about life. This is how people succeed. They take time to learn every single process of their life. So people, accept to learn, accept to suffer, to be doubtful...to be lost or

alone...accept to live.

I have a serious problem with men. I hate dating. I absolutelly hate it! I don't know what the problem is with me...or, I don't want to admit what the problem is with me. I think I'm nice, I think I'm cool too, I'm intelligent... Some people say I'm cute...but well...I don't trust people & yet, I hate dating. I always find a way to turn down invitations... Okay, I admit it, I love saying "no" to men. I love to play with their nerves: "yeah...maybe...finally no...or yes...I thought about it & I'm sure it's no..."

I don't think there is anything wrong with my personality. But I might be afraid to commit or to be hurt. A psy would probably say there's something deep in my unconsciousness that is blocking me. When I try to see myself with a man, I think about what will happen when we will break up., not how enrichiring it could be for me.

For those who wonder, yeah, I've been in a long, messy & very strange relationship. It was nothing like what I was expecting.