putting my commitment phobia on hold...

2 months ago I decided to tackle my trust issues with men & read Elina Furman's bestseller Kiss and Run.

Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment

Elina Furman

A week later I was dating some guy I promised to have a drink with a year ago. It was my first date in a year & although we had no problem chatting over the Internet all night long, we didn't share more than 5 sentences in an hour. A week later we've had an early morning walk between St Michel & Chatelet . & on our third date we went to the movie. The film was horrible, our conversation was still poor & I realized I did not know his name after a year of Internet chatting & 3 dates. I know I'm wrong for that, but at least I did not have to introduce him to anybody.

So as I went back to thinking that I didn't have to go through dreadful dates, when I was happy being single, my friend gave me the number of a guy who just arrived in Paris so I could help him find a job & be familiar with everything. The real intention was of course to put us together. She insisted on how cute & adorable he was & how we would get along. So I met the guy a week ago. He is cute indeed & we've had a nice moment... & BREAKING NEWS!!! I DO LIKE HIM. I find him nothing wrong . usually there is always something I don't like, but he seems perfect to me. There must be subliminal messages in this book intended to break into the defense system of every proud single woman . 

*sigh* I'm totally falling for him & I want to know what he thinks about me . this is the first time I'm actually so self conscious about the quality of my conversation. I spend the night & the day after wondering if I didn't talk too much, if I didn't sound too intellectual or too stupid, or if I didn't laugh too much . did he like the place I took him to?

Yesterday for instance, I was supposed to pick a book at a library, meet with the author & get a signature. So I

Transit Maps of the World

Mark Ovenden

 proposed we meet from there & then we go have a drink. Turned out the author was supposed to make a full length presentation about subway maps around the world (Disaster!!!!). We were all sitting there with our glasses of wine & water, listening to that guy & wondering why on earth he thought about writing a book exclusively on metro maps!  finally it became interesting (I don't know how exactly). I learned there were people redrawing maps for fun & other stuff. My date found the presentation interesting. What a relief! Then we ended the evening in a Starbucks coffee shop talking about everything. 

I'm impatient, he is shy, so even if there is something, he will never say anything. I have to bite my tongue just not to say something stupid like: " say you love me, you would like to start a relationship, kiss me or do something & let's get over with it!" or "the clock is ticking, Valentine's day is coming & there is this $200 pair of limited edition of Ray Ban I would love to offer to someone ."
I think he likes me or he's just too nice... in all the case, I prayed really hard last night that he be totally in love with me. I even promised to never be mean with any guy ever again (a pretty serious commitment). It was a deep prayer, followed by a session of auto-suggestion . I kept repeating that I always had what I wanted one way or another & that I would have him one way or another.
See, I'm losing all sense of rationality & suddenly, I don't think Susan from The Desperate Housewives is as nut as she seems to be.

 I'm between excitement & fear of rejection, which is not a bad thing I guess. Few months ago I was still in my fortress, protecting my feelings like my life depended on it. Now it scares me to see how disoriented I am when I am not in control.  

so the question is, how do you make one cute, interesting shy guy to express his feelings without you having to guess, even after just 2 weeks?